Model Prisoner
by AdenaMentzel
Summary: Joanne reflects on her relationship with Maureen


This fic is a little different for me...please comment. Pseudo-attempt at a one-shot. Italics are inner monologue, normal text is lyrics from "Model Prisoner"-- Adam Pascal, but of course, being the RENThead that you are, you probably knew that already.

* * *

Did you begin to tell her all the things she wants to hear?

_I gave her all I had, my life force. Yes, I told her I loved he, she was the only one for me. I held her when she cried, when life was too hard. I never told anyone that she was hurting, but I comforted her. I gave her everything. I even stopped telling her all that she didn't want to hear… _

And did you, on the phone, say, "You are the one?"

_Every single time I called her. I told her that she was the only one for me. Maybe that scared her, maybe she didn't feel that she was worthy. Maybe it was self-sabotage. Or maybe I am just the stupid one who hangs around waiting for more pain. But she is the one for me, I am still convinced of that after all this time…_

And did you waste your time starving your heart, waiting in line for her?

_I never asked for anything, other than that she be faithful. When she didn't, I fought with her, but I could never really leave her, or kick her out of the apartment either. I love her too much to do that. Mark warned me. The Tango Maureen. But I sit at home alone, pretending that her cheating on me doesn't bother me. I think that she believes me, which hurts even more, because she could even believe that I would change everything that I stand for in order to be with her…and the sad part is that I would do it if I could…_

You're a model prisoner

_I'm chained to her, and I can't escape. The textbook example…_

The only time you miss her

_Is all the time. Whenever she comes home, she showers me in love, but I know that she's been out and about with the scum of the Earth and then some. But as soon as she leaves, I feel like I need her back. She's like a drug that I can't seem to get over._

Fighting the darkness wide awake

_I refuse to admit defeat. I will not face the end of this relationship, even though it feels inevitable that we will not be together forever. I refuse to let her slip away from me…_

You're a model prisoner

_There is no way that I could be anymore at her mercy. I will do anything she asks me to. I would probably even jump off a cliff if she asked me to._

About the only risk you'll, you'll have to take is to escape

_The only outcome that I cannot know is what would happen if I were to leave. I feel as though I would die if I couldn't be with her. She is the love of my life, and my drug of choice. When I am with her, I get so high, and more often than not, her smile, her presence can make me happy, and forget all of the reasons that I am mad at her, forget that I wanted to fight with her. I can't keep myself mad at her for too long, and if she picks the fight, it's never long until I cave. Even if I tell her to leave, she can always make me withdraw my words…_

Slip through mercury fingers, hold on to hands that feign divine

_She's slowly killing me. I feel as though she is the only thing in the world that I need to survive, to be alive, to be happy. But really, I am not happy. I am just obsessed with her…the devil in disguise…_

Swallow tainted love, washed down with bitter wine

_We are doomed; our love will never last. With ever person she sleeps with that isn't me, she kills me a little bit more, she kills our love a little bit more, dooming me to a most unpleasant, slow death. It doesn't feel good to be loved by her, but it feels worse to be without her…I am stuck in this spiral of discomfort, I can't escape, I've forgotten what it feels like to be truly happy…_

Swallow tainted love, washed down with bitter wine

It isn't often that you can be saved, find an everlasting love

_Being saved by her is the same as being sacrificed to a nonexistent deity. But I will love her forever, she will love me forever, but she will continue to unknowingly kill my heart slowly…oh so slowly…_

But when we're broken, we hate to be broken

_Neither of us can show our pain to anyone, much less each other. I never know what she is thinking or feeling, and likewise, she cannot see my hurt, the little wounds that do not kill, but continue to bleed, ever weakening who I am, my resolve, who I am. Yes, she broke me. My heart is in millions of tiny shards upon the floor, like the picture-perfect image of us, living and laughing happily together forever._

It's hard enough to breathe in and out

_I feel so near emotional death, spiritual death that each breath I take is labored, each attempt to accept and love her, each attempt to change myself and my feelings because clearly who I am is not quite good enough for a seductively beautiful, charismatic, oversexed bohemian diva such as my Maureen._

Or is hard enough to come down from the clouds

_Realizing that there is trouble in paradise doesn't mean that jumping out of the sky will hurt any less. A troubled paradise is still better than a good day in the flaming pits of Hell. Heaven and Hell are one in the same. I'm burning, dying, being tortured, while simultaneously experiencing the sweetest love that I have ever encountered, the most amazing woman I have ever met is in love with me…and I want to break away? Fall back to the land of mere mortals?_

Did you ever find your way back home?

_Home is in her arms. No matter the imperfections that Maureen has, not matter how many times she breaks my heart, no matter what she does with another woman (or God forbid another man), I cannot see any sweeter place than right here…among the slightly unusual devotion of a quirky woman who I cannot keep my eyes (and hands) off of, who invades my thoughts, my heart every second of every day. Her allure is greater than any other force of love or hate. I can't expect a conventional love from the most unconventional woman to grace the earth…but each imperfection makes her the more dear to me…each way that she torments me, each way that she is my opposite...is another reason why we are the same, why I cannot let her get away…I never left home._


End file.
